I was young but I knew better. I was told to not get a girl pregnant and I never thought I would. But then I met her. I thought she was hot. The evening was going great. We had sex after drinks. We became close and started going out.
We were on cloud nine. We didn’t think anything of what we had or what we were doing. We always used protection. I was getting my needs met and she was just as happy as I was. Until I got that call, “I’m pregnant.”
My world started to crumble. I can’t be a dad now. I was planning on going to technical school to be a mechanic. My mom is going to kill me. How am I gonna take care of her and a kid when I still live at home?
“Hello?” I’d totally forgotten she was still waiting on the other line. What response was I supposed to give? I needed time to think. So, I said, “Yeah, I… I.. umm. I gotta go but I’ll call you later. Okay?”
My mind was bombarded with what to do … How could this happen?! I used protection. This is not supposed to be this way…
I couldn’t bring myself to formulate what I was going to do because I had no idea what to do. I didn’t plan for this.
I decided to throw myself into work to distract me from talking to her. I loved her and I wanted a baby eventually but not now… It wasn’t the right time.
I was at work when my phone vibrated…
“I took care of it.”
My stomach sank, “What do you mean?”
“My Friend took me to the clinic.”
“What clinic? What are you saying?”
“I got an abortion. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
I took the phone and threw it across the room. I had to walk outside. I punched the nearest pole I could find. I felt as though a searing hot dagger pierced my heart. I wasn’t relieved I was angry as hell… and devastated. How could she do this and not ask me? What happened to my say in this? I know I couldn’t articulate my thoughts but this-this was too far.
The silence that grew between me and her was deafening. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like a muzzle has been put over my mouth. And a rope had tied my hands behind my back. We tried to see each other after but it tore me apart. I kept thinking about what our child would have been. I kept thinking, it was my child and it was taken from me… It all hurt too much. The relationship with my girlfriend eventually fell apart.
I researched abortion one night. After watching a procedure, I found myself, for the first time in a long time weeping over my child. I mean, that monster tore my child apart. My baby was completely helpless. And I was supposed to protect her. I think my baby was a girl. My precious girl. I couldn’t speak up for her.
It was a wound so deep I couldn’t talk about it. It felt like I’d rip in two if spoke about it— so I kept it inside under lock and key. I didn’t have anyone in my life that I trusted to talk about it with. I didn’t want to seem weak. So, I stayed silent.
Decades later, I still find it hard to talk about… All I know is that that child was…